blehhhhhhh

I just... don't know what to do anymore..

Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to uniquely sum up what happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, exactly right, and still feel like you failed. Could something have ever been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place?
I feel numb, i can no longer feel sadness. The only emotion I'm feeling is frustration. My life story is made up of tears, that seems to be one of the few things I've ever known. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore, just sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like if i wasn't breathing anymore. I feel like, everywhere i go, every corner I turn.. I feel like I don't belong. Like every person's eyes are stabbing daggers into ever inch of my body judging me before they know anything. Even if they do know something, they rarely understand.
I have a question for you.. have you ever felt a haunting emptiness dwelling within your soul, that just tears you apart? And, even though you have somebody there for you, if feels as if they aren't? Or that they're just there to feel as if by helping you, they're helping themselves? I kind of do.. I don't really trust anyone anymore though.
Not really sure what to say to anybody anymore.. as if I'm out of words. Like i said.. sometimes there are no words, and the day just... ends.

"My soul is bare, my spirit battered, My heart inside is ripped and tattered... My pain is almost too much to bare, No pain before has ever compared."

I know things are supposed to get worse before they get better, but why is it that every time they appear to get better, they rip you apart even more? It's really hard for anyone to see me cry, but every day they see a fake smile that I've plastered onto my face. I hate it when I'm lied to, i don't care about the things you lied to me about, it's that i was stupid enough to believe what you told me and that i wasn't good enough for the truth. But.. i mean i don't know? I doubt anyone ever reads these things, haha.
Who ever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" forgot about the phrase "out of sight, out of mind." I remember every night during the summertime i would lay on the roof before i slept, I'd look up at the sky waiting to see a shooting star, then make the same wish.. over and over. But, for some reason it never came true. I still do it every summer, wishing the same thing, filling myself up with false hopes, pretending I'm happy. The thing I've been wishing for every year, every night of those crisp early mornings (4am) was that I'd find true happiness. I mean, yeah, i hurt inside every day because i lost him, but sometimes everything has to fall apart for other things to fall into place. he's the thing saving me, yet he's wrecking me all at the same time.
I kinda thought it was always unfair that one person could ruin the trust for everyone else after a broken heart. But after all that I've been through these past few months, i now understand that to judge people in the situation I'm now in was wrong.

The moon was glowing in a star lit sky, glistening ever so gently was a reflection on the water. I float in a pool of darkness, cold presses in on me, i am alone.. floating aimlessly in this cold lonely world. I can't even look myself in the eye anymore, just because i smile in the day.. it doesn't mean that i don't cry myself to sleep at night. And just because i seem ok, and no wounds you see.. that doesn't mean i don't bleed.My mind, always warped and twisted, has reached the point where I can wait no longer..until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit.You win, I can't take it any longer.. i give.