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I woke up today, my mind racing and my limbs numb. Each breath stung my lungs, i layed there not making a sound, with dried tears on my cheeks. I felt like a zombie today, living but dead. I hate myself, and how everything i do isn't even good enough for myself. I hate who i've become, and i hate the things i've done. I can't think of a reason to get the fuck out of bed, other than the fact i have to. Getting out of this house, this town, this lifestyle.. that's the only way things are going to get better.

Everything is always going to be all right I always hear that promise. Just a little longer, they all say. How much longer is a little. It's been years already as is. I'm not sure i even want to wait any longer for change.

Are you going to be okay... that seems to be the question of my life.

In the end, I will be.

As for now, it's hard to say. Between the physical and emotional pain, and all the tears lately. I'm not sure I can say I'm fine. Although i could slap on a fake smile and act it, inside, im dying. There's something inside of me ripping apart my soul. Tearing at my heart and clawing out of my chest It's tapped inside though, to weak to escape. It reminds me of myself.

I'm attempting to escape the life i lead. I'm clawing my way out of the whole i'd been cast into. But my efforts seem beyond pointless, seeing as how the hole only becomes deeper. When I've got nowhere left to turn but these 4 walls, what do I do? Do i break them down, only to find bricks behind them? Do I then take the bricks out one by one until the wall collapses, only to find metal bars? Do I then take apart the metal only to find a never ending maze? Would that even be worth attempting?

I'm not sure what to do, where to turn..

Please, just please, stop telling me forever.
Forever is fake, it's more like fornever.
You use it to try and take away this writhing pain, that you sat and caused for me every day.
Wishing and waiting
hell.. that's all i ever fucking do.

Sick of living in this fairy tail
how the fuck can i escape
my fingers glued to this very page
words and ink swirled into one
from tears that crashed upon it
one
by
one

confusion
chaos
anger
numbness
and fear
...
hm :\

I've been finding it hard to place myself lately. Life hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been fantastic either. I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.I think I know ultimately what the trigger to my depression was.


No matter how good someone makes you feel, no matter how wanted, loved and valued they make you feel - there's ALWAYS some cunt who'll make you feel 10 times worse than what you did before.


I push away, and i fall. Then i wonder what happens, in reality it's my fault. How long is it going to take this time? I'm not betting on over 3 months really. We're both fragile and still partly broken. Maybe our hearst where confused and that's the reason they decided to intertwine. But now the confusion is turning into some sort of massive chaos. How much longer do i really have a hold on my sanity anyways? I feel like nothing i do is honestly good enough anymore. Living with people I looked up to when i was younger disapproving of everything, well.. that doesn't help much either, you know? Maybe if i held on to hope and didn't push away things would work. But what has hope brang me in the past? Nothing but a broken heart, is what.



Sigh, I don't know. Things will work themselves out i guess. Liek always. Not sure of the outcome though..

blehhhhhhh