Please, just please, stop telling me forever.
Forever is fake, it's more like fornever.
You use it to try and take away this writhing pain, that you sat and caused for me every day.
Wishing and waiting
hell.. that's all i ever fucking do.

Sick of living in this fairy tail
how the fuck can i escape
my fingers glued to this very page
words and ink swirled into one
from tears that crashed upon it
one
by
one

confusion
chaos
anger
numbness
and fear
...
hm :\

I've been finding it hard to place myself lately. Life hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been fantastic either. I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.I think I know ultimately what the trigger to my depression was.


No matter how good someone makes you feel, no matter how wanted, loved and valued they make you feel - there's ALWAYS some cunt who'll make you feel 10 times worse than what you did before.


I push away, and i fall. Then i wonder what happens, in reality it's my fault. How long is it going to take this time? I'm not betting on over 3 months really. We're both fragile and still partly broken. Maybe our hearst where confused and that's the reason they decided to intertwine. But now the confusion is turning into some sort of massive chaos. How much longer do i really have a hold on my sanity anyways? I feel like nothing i do is honestly good enough anymore. Living with people I looked up to when i was younger disapproving of everything, well.. that doesn't help much either, you know? Maybe if i held on to hope and didn't push away things would work. But what has hope brang me in the past? Nothing but a broken heart, is what.



Sigh, I don't know. Things will work themselves out i guess. Liek always. Not sure of the outcome though..

blehhhhhhh

I just... don't know what to do anymore..

Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to uniquely sum up what happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, exactly right, and still feel like you failed. Could something have ever been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place?
I feel numb, i can no longer feel sadness. The only emotion I'm feeling is frustration. My life story is made up of tears, that seems to be one of the few things I've ever known. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore, just sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like if i wasn't breathing anymore. I feel like, everywhere i go, every corner I turn.. I feel like I don't belong. Like every person's eyes are stabbing daggers into ever inch of my body judging me before they know anything. Even if they do know something, they rarely understand.
I have a question for you.. have you ever felt a haunting emptiness dwelling within your soul, that just tears you apart? And, even though you have somebody there for you, if feels as if they aren't? Or that they're just there to feel as if by helping you, they're helping themselves? I kind of do.. I don't really trust anyone anymore though.
Not really sure what to say to anybody anymore.. as if I'm out of words. Like i said.. sometimes there are no words, and the day just... ends.

"My soul is bare, my spirit battered, My heart inside is ripped and tattered... My pain is almost too much to bare, No pain before has ever compared."

I know things are supposed to get worse before they get better, but why is it that every time they appear to get better, they rip you apart even more? It's really hard for anyone to see me cry, but every day they see a fake smile that I've plastered onto my face. I hate it when I'm lied to, i don't care about the things you lied to me about, it's that i was stupid enough to believe what you told me and that i wasn't good enough for the truth. But.. i mean i don't know? I doubt anyone ever reads these things, haha.
Who ever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" forgot about the phrase "out of sight, out of mind." I remember every night during the summertime i would lay on the roof before i slept, I'd look up at the sky waiting to see a shooting star, then make the same wish.. over and over. But, for some reason it never came true. I still do it every summer, wishing the same thing, filling myself up with false hopes, pretending I'm happy. The thing I've been wishing for every year, every night of those crisp early mornings (4am) was that I'd find true happiness. I mean, yeah, i hurt inside every day because i lost him, but sometimes everything has to fall apart for other things to fall into place. he's the thing saving me, yet he's wrecking me all at the same time.
I kinda thought it was always unfair that one person could ruin the trust for everyone else after a broken heart. But after all that I've been through these past few months, i now understand that to judge people in the situation I'm now in was wrong.

The moon was glowing in a star lit sky, glistening ever so gently was a reflection on the water. I float in a pool of darkness, cold presses in on me, i am alone.. floating aimlessly in this cold lonely world. I can't even look myself in the eye anymore, just because i smile in the day.. it doesn't mean that i don't cry myself to sleep at night. And just because i seem ok, and no wounds you see.. that doesn't mean i don't bleed.My mind, always warped and twisted, has reached the point where I can wait no longer..until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit.You win, I can't take it any longer.. i give.