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I woke up today, my mind racing and my limbs numb. Each breath stung my lungs, i layed there not making a sound, with dried tears on my cheeks. I felt like a zombie today, living but dead. I hate myself, and how everything i do isn't even good enough for myself. I hate who i've become, and i hate the things i've done. I can't think of a reason to get the fuck out of bed, other than the fact i have to. Getting out of this house, this town, this lifestyle.. that's the only way things are going to get better.

Everything is always going to be all right I always hear that promise. Just a little longer, they all say. How much longer is a little. It's been years already as is. I'm not sure i even want to wait any longer for change.

Are you going to be okay... that seems to be the question of my life.

In the end, I will be.

As for now, it's hard to say. Between the physical and emotional pain, and all the tears lately. I'm not sure I can say I'm fine. Although i could slap on a fake smile and act it, inside, im dying. There's something inside of me ripping apart my soul. Tearing at my heart and clawing out of my chest It's tapped inside though, to weak to escape. It reminds me of myself.

I'm attempting to escape the life i lead. I'm clawing my way out of the whole i'd been cast into. But my efforts seem beyond pointless, seeing as how the hole only becomes deeper. When I've got nowhere left to turn but these 4 walls, what do I do? Do i break them down, only to find bricks behind them? Do I then take the bricks out one by one until the wall collapses, only to find metal bars? Do I then take apart the metal only to find a never ending maze? Would that even be worth attempting?

I'm not sure what to do, where to turn..

Please, just please, stop telling me forever.
Forever is fake, it's more like fornever.
You use it to try and take away this writhing pain, that you sat and caused for me every day.
Wishing and waiting
hell.. that's all i ever fucking do.

Sick of living in this fairy tail
how the fuck can i escape
my fingers glued to this very page
words and ink swirled into one
from tears that crashed upon it
one
by
one

confusion
chaos
anger
numbness
and fear
...
hm :\

I've been finding it hard to place myself lately. Life hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been fantastic either. I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.I think I know ultimately what the trigger to my depression was.


No matter how good someone makes you feel, no matter how wanted, loved and valued they make you feel - there's ALWAYS some cunt who'll make you feel 10 times worse than what you did before.


I push away, and i fall. Then i wonder what happens, in reality it's my fault. How long is it going to take this time? I'm not betting on over 3 months really. We're both fragile and still partly broken. Maybe our hearst where confused and that's the reason they decided to intertwine. But now the confusion is turning into some sort of massive chaos. How much longer do i really have a hold on my sanity anyways? I feel like nothing i do is honestly good enough anymore. Living with people I looked up to when i was younger disapproving of everything, well.. that doesn't help much either, you know? Maybe if i held on to hope and didn't push away things would work. But what has hope brang me in the past? Nothing but a broken heart, is what.



Sigh, I don't know. Things will work themselves out i guess. Liek always. Not sure of the outcome though..

blehhhhhhh

I just... don't know what to do anymore..

Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to uniquely sum up what happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, exactly right, and still feel like you failed. Could something have ever been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place?
I feel numb, i can no longer feel sadness. The only emotion I'm feeling is frustration. My life story is made up of tears, that seems to be one of the few things I've ever known. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore, just sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like if i wasn't breathing anymore. I feel like, everywhere i go, every corner I turn.. I feel like I don't belong. Like every person's eyes are stabbing daggers into ever inch of my body judging me before they know anything. Even if they do know something, they rarely understand.
I have a question for you.. have you ever felt a haunting emptiness dwelling within your soul, that just tears you apart? And, even though you have somebody there for you, if feels as if they aren't? Or that they're just there to feel as if by helping you, they're helping themselves? I kind of do.. I don't really trust anyone anymore though.
Not really sure what to say to anybody anymore.. as if I'm out of words. Like i said.. sometimes there are no words, and the day just... ends.

"My soul is bare, my spirit battered, My heart inside is ripped and tattered... My pain is almost too much to bare, No pain before has ever compared."

I know things are supposed to get worse before they get better, but why is it that every time they appear to get better, they rip you apart even more? It's really hard for anyone to see me cry, but every day they see a fake smile that I've plastered onto my face. I hate it when I'm lied to, i don't care about the things you lied to me about, it's that i was stupid enough to believe what you told me and that i wasn't good enough for the truth. But.. i mean i don't know? I doubt anyone ever reads these things, haha.
Who ever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" forgot about the phrase "out of sight, out of mind." I remember every night during the summertime i would lay on the roof before i slept, I'd look up at the sky waiting to see a shooting star, then make the same wish.. over and over. But, for some reason it never came true. I still do it every summer, wishing the same thing, filling myself up with false hopes, pretending I'm happy. The thing I've been wishing for every year, every night of those crisp early mornings (4am) was that I'd find true happiness. I mean, yeah, i hurt inside every day because i lost him, but sometimes everything has to fall apart for other things to fall into place. he's the thing saving me, yet he's wrecking me all at the same time.
I kinda thought it was always unfair that one person could ruin the trust for everyone else after a broken heart. But after all that I've been through these past few months, i now understand that to judge people in the situation I'm now in was wrong.

The moon was glowing in a star lit sky, glistening ever so gently was a reflection on the water. I float in a pool of darkness, cold presses in on me, i am alone.. floating aimlessly in this cold lonely world. I can't even look myself in the eye anymore, just because i smile in the day.. it doesn't mean that i don't cry myself to sleep at night. And just because i seem ok, and no wounds you see.. that doesn't mean i don't bleed.My mind, always warped and twisted, has reached the point where I can wait no longer..until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit.You win, I can't take it any longer.. i give.

This aching pain dwelling within my soul, with every memorie.. with every breath forced into these lungs.. never ceasing to stop. I attempt to create happiness, and find that of witch i had lost. But there never was any. My eyes a waterfall, a well never running dry, a puddle on the paper in witch we speak. Writing this letter for the last time to a broken home, as my soul bleeds in a dark crimson red pooling around my body. My weak fragile body, broken and bruised, skin without color. I'm living, yet I'm dead, skin so pail, eyes so.. so unreal.. no emotion behind them. Nothing will ever be the same, if there's one thing he's taught me.. it's that hate is not the opposite of love, because in hate there is still caring. Anger, no apathy, apathy is the opposite of love, and apathy is the cause of my empty soul. My enemy.

sorrow can leave you spending in a frame
with so much guilt and so much pain
it wraps its spiny fingers against my heart
one more beat, the blood flows out
i thought it was mere imagination
until i felt the horrid sensation

I lay cold on a heap of shattered hopes
and i accompany deserted souls
i'm left buried in this hole
trapped

My soul seeks your answers
as you feed it lies
all the trust i ever had in you
well let me tell you
it all FUCKING dies

Who where we playing?
ourselves and this anger
we both knew forever
would lead to this pain

I am from

I am from my mistakes making me who I am
But only those from witch I’ve learned
And never having a single regret

I am from rainy days in July
Watching all the old fade
Feeling the rain softly kiss my skin
And rinse away the pain

I am from hiding behind the couch, in a closet, or under a bed
Squeezing my teddy with all the strength I have
Praying for mommy and daddy would stop
To swearing I’ll never believe

I am from wanting to make a difference
To impact someone’s life so immensely that they view the world in a different way
But hoping to achieve more

I am from standing up for what I believe in
And never backing down
No matter who says what

I am from choking on others ignorance
Judgments lashed upon me
All because nobody else knows who they are

I am from being forced to grow up
Being a mom to those I cannot stand any longer
Taking care of them, allowing them to be children
To them not appreciating a thing I did for them

I am from crying myself to sleep every single night
Putting up my walls
Never letting my guard down no matter who it is
Putting on a mask
And remaining strong, not because I want to, but because I have to

I am from being invisible to all, and fading into the background
To being known for who I am
And not what another thinks I should be

I am from opinions being shoved down my throat
And being told what is wrong and right
To becoming everyone’s greatest fear
And developing a mind of my own

I am from cold skin and coffins
And rivers of tears
To flowers and butterflies
And being able to face all of my greatest fears

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

They say, "life must go on," in the day that is true. But at night life seems as if to come to a jarring hault.Sometimes.. tears say all that there is to be said. Love is a waist-land of promises in vain. But, love, like the inner workings of the mind, is rarely simple. Perhaps, that is why many seem to only love a short time. True love, it's there, it's real, and hard to find. Scars never heal forever. Broken heart, well they're never mended. Love doesn't always end happily ever after, even if one still loves, with such a burning passion raging inside of them. Memories can sometimes be so sharp tehy leave us bleeding, writhing in pain, suffocating in the lies that once you found truth in. In life.. you're born to lose the ones you love, for if you hadn't lost them, you'd never know how much they truly meant.

As he peered out across the barren arctic tundra separated from the group, he heard blood curdling screams escape from the roaring of the wind. His heart pounded against his chest, he was frozen in fear. There was adrenalin coursing through his veins, his body telling him to run away as fast as he could, to forget the others. Should he do as his body told him, or should he do what his conscious told him, would they come back for him?
His warm breath turned to fog around him; he began running, faster and faster. Each breath more intense, a pain so great in his chest it was slowing his breathing. Each breath he took felt like a nail being hammered into his chest. The fear overwhelmed him, tightening his muscles, making it hard to move. He had to keep going; they knew he was there, somewhere, but where?

Tragedy can be measured
by the amount of happiness taken away
Elusion is our only protection
As we fall victim to its prey

Happiness may end
While tragedy begins
Today is the beginning

Happiness fills me with a touch of sadness.
By that I mean I know it can't last.
Beauty decays, laughter subsides
When will the stones be cast?
Is tomorrow the end?

False hope
Fake laughter
No more living happily ever after

A broken promise
Soon becomes a lie

Living in a world I hate
Tears crashing down around me
What more can I create?

Shadows casted upon these blood
spattered walls
Images behind these closed eyes
Trying not to let these tears fall

Closed curtains fall,
Lies dragged into the light,
For those whose promises are revealed
for what they are to all

Judgments thrown at me
All based upon false accusations
and their minds biggest temptations
When will they really see?
All they’re doing is hurting me.

One last breath
Draws into these lungs
The last ounce of courage
To stand up for myself
Drifts away
All my hope fades

Metal hits the ground,
No more sorrow,
No more sound.

A words just a word
unless you mean what you say

A lie can be the truth
if you choose to believe it

Pain is good
If you're foolish enough to let it come your way

So bear with your sorrows
you brought them on yourself

Don't look my way
for any kind of help

I told you if you fallowed your mind
no harm would come your way

But you didn't take my advice
now i'm laughing in your face

Running out of this problem is hard to neglect,
but somehow i can already feel the regret,
its hard for me to gain the pain,
all these time's makes me feel insane,

i feel like im just a castaway,
and there's no more reason for me to stay,
im just trying and waiting to let this pass away,
but how can i ever do it? i'm worrying about it everyday,

when can i find true happiness?,
if you are just giving me loneliness,
everything i've done is full of madness,
i cant escape this world full of sadness,

every time i try to fix it , even gets worst,
i'm ready to make things right , but it never fade's away like a never ending curse,
i can see it through your action,
i just didn't wanna make a reaction,

thinking about it everyday brings back all the memories,
its like i've been through this before, like my past tragedies,
the burden that was hard to forget , i had remembered,
so i tried to be strong, never back downed and surrendered.

Life is full of many trials and tribulations. Love being perhaps the most ill mannered of them all. It can pick you up at one second and have you completely sorrow filled and regretful the next. It twists and turns your emotions controlling your fatalities. Unfair, well perhaps, it depends on how you look at it really.

ROFL ;D

RACOON!!! ;D